SCUSA (Pronounced ‘Excuse-A’) (n/v) Software as a Confusing and Useless Service Application. –Courtesy OgFOMK ArTS Academy of text.

or

Why I think Amazon $AMZN screwed up on the Kindle Touch 3G

I was bragging all over the internet yesterday http://stocktwits.com/ogfomk about how great my recent purchase of the Amazon ($AMZN) Kindle Touch 3G was. I was convinced that it would help me rule the world and increase my klout. I even had fantastic dreams that I after much frustration would come up with the ‘KUWA’ [(c) (tm) OgFOMK ArTS 2011 - 2012 (Kindle Useful Web Application)] because I could see 3G Kindle users everywhere wanting to know their schedule, tasks, and latest emails. I even influenced a few purchases of said item!!! I was wrong.

My mom bought me some pants so I could go to Russia in style. She bought 1 pair in Dillards ($DDS) and another at Jos. A Bank ($JOSB). She bought me pants that were a wool 95% blend and they also needed to be hemmed. My fat ass slid into both pants quite well.  33 in. waist but I did not have a leg that was 45 inches, so I needed them to be hemmed.

I needed directions and I needed them fast so at home I searched Google ($GOOG) Maps and I easily found a nearby location of $JOSB. I went there. I drove there. I used my GPS to get me there. Once there I went inside and met Traci the store manager.

“I’ll help you.” She said.

“I have two lovely trousers to be hemmed. One was purchased here and another there.” I said.

She showed me the dressing room.

I managed to get my pants marked for the trip down alteration road.

I paid.

I left.

I went back to the car and I pulled out my Kindle so I could proudly mark my task as done. My new Kindle Touch 3G would have none of that. It told me that I needed a WIFI point to use the browser. I was sad. I already had influenced a few new purchases. Millionaires were counting on me to do the right thing. I fucked up.

So I tried the Amazon.com website. It worked fine. I tried Google and it did not. There was a conspiracy here. I was duped. I paid $50 more for something that didn’t work the way I wanted.  No impulse buys here. Amazon had me under her big left toe. I was sad.

I tweeted my lament to my tweeter friends so they would love me in the future.  Then I got to business with Amazon. I used the text, open, out, now, in , real. time, customer, service, with, an, Indeo-Helpertechnician… It was a positive helpful experience.

You are now connected to Prem Prakash from Amazon.com.

Me:I just discovered that my new Kindle Touch 3G will not allow browser use in 3G. It requires a WIFI connection. What’s the point of me paying $50 more for 3G when I can not use it?

Prem Prakash:Hello, my name is Prem. I’m sorry to know the inconvenience. Let me check this information for you.

Me:Hello Prem, OK. Please do.

Prem Prakash:Alexander, I have checked this information for you.

Me:What did you discover?

Prem Prakash:I am sorry, you will not be able to browse the internet through 3G since the experimental browser works only with wifi.

Me:I had a Kindle 3G Keyboard and it did work with the Experimental browser. The browser in the Touch 3G does work using 3G, but it will only go to Amazon.com. Again, why should I pay $50 more for this 3G, when I can get no beneficial use from it?

Prem Prakash:Alexander, kindle with 3G is an additional feature with the kindle with wifi. When you disconnect from a Wi-Fi network or move out of Wi-Fi range, Kindle will automatically use the 3G connection.

Free 3G wireless is convenient if you are frequently on the move, allowing you to download content anywhere you have a wireless connection.

Me:If I am using the Experimental Browser it will only work using 3G if I am connected to Amazon.com. This makes sense for Amazon, but not for me as a travelling customer. I may want to check my email or look at real time news or read a blog or check my schedule. If I do not have WIFI the 3G will only allow me to visit amazon.com so why would I pay extra for this in a device. Can I exchange my Kindle Touch 3G for a Kindle Touch WIFI only?

Prem Prakash:Alexander, if you wish to exchange for the Kindle Touch Wifi only, then you can return the Kindle Touch 3G, Free 3G + Wi-Fi and you will receive the refund for the kindle, then you can place an order for the Kindle touch wifi only.

Me:OK, what do I need to do to return this?

Prem Prakash:If you wish to return the kindle, I can send you the return mailing label to return the previous kindle.

Me:Please do.

Prem Prakash:Please stay on line while I generate the return mailing label.

Me:OK. Thank you for your help.

Prem Prakash:You’re welcome.

I have sent the return mailing label to your email address.

Is there anything else I can do for you today?

Me:Thank you for your help. I checked my email and I have a link to the mailing label.

Prem Prakash:Thanks for visiting Amazon.com. We hope to see you again soon!

Have a great day!!

Prem Prakash from Amazon.com has left the conversation.